Imagine your son or daughter in 30 or 40 years. What one phrase would sum up everything that you hope for in the life and character of your son or daughter?

Amy Chua (the “Tiger Mom”) recently published a book called Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother which contrasts the “western” approach to parenting with the Chinese approach which she considers superior. Here is how she sums up the two views:

Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

I think the “Tiger Mom” would answer my question by saying she would want her children to be successful. And she would argue that there is an absolute standard of success. In her view “success” is always getting A’s and never an A minus or less. Her hope is that her children will work at whatever they are doing until they reach that perfect grade.

Of course there is nothing wrong with success and hard work and doing well at what you are doing. But does success really sum up our hope for the future as Christians? Even if our son or daughter is the most successful person of their generation will that really be enough? Jesus asks this question in Mark 8:36, “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?”

So what is the answer? What phrase should describe our hope for our children? Jesus tells us a couple of verses earlier:

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.

Mark 8:34-35 ESV

Jesus calls us to “come after” him. This is what it means to be a disciple of Christ. This is my hope for my children to be a…

Disciple of Christ

If my children as adults are fully devoted disciples of Christ, my hope for them will be realized. And Christ does not just give us a phrase but he also clearly defines it. These disciples are not just Christian In Name Only, they are doing three things: 1) Denying themselves (huge!), 2) willingly sacrificing themselves for the cause of Christ (even unto death), and 3) following Christ in their life. I get excited just thinking about it. If my children are doing those things what more could I want?

If your hope is that your children grow to become fully devoted disciples of Christ, I want to recommend the book Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. In my opinion this book is a  modern classic. It will help parents understand their role as partners with the Holy Spirit in leading their children to become disciples of Christ. We must remember that our children’s greatest problem and their only solution is the same as with all mankind. Our collective problem is sin and our collective answer is our savior Jesus Christ.

But what are we, fathers, doing today to help lead our children toward being disciples of Christ? My family has done a lot in the last two years, including: piano lessons, the softball practices, the school work, the music competitions, the art classes, the vacations to amazing places, the museums, Sunday School, etc. In doing all these things was I (or am I) doing them in hope of my children becoming something other than a disciple of Christ? Is them becoming a disciple of Christ a lower goal or hope?

We are in the process of adopting two boys from Haiti. I just know that I will be tempted to push them into sports because of my secret hope that one of them will be the next Pierre Garçon (Haitian born wide receiver for the Colts).

All those things I am doing for my children are good things, but what good is it if they master those areas but forfeit their soul?

Clearly my job as their father is to disciple them. But to do it right is to disciple them in Christ, not in success.

Do you want your child to not hit their siblings? Or do you want your child to deal with anger at the heart level with the power of the Holy Spirit?

Do you want your child to work hard? Or do you want your child to work heartily knowing they are serving the Lord Jesus Christ?

Here is a harder one for us as parents: Do you want your child to be a successful (fill in the blank)? Or do you want your child to deny his own desires, be willing to sacrifice self, and then do whatever Christ calls him to do?

Tedd Tripp will help you to see your call as a father to lead your children in partnership with the Holy Spirit toward being disciples of Christ, not disciples of “success.”

Update: I’m reposting this article I wrote a couple of years ago about Josh Hamilton because the Rangers just made it to the American League Championship Series in Major League Baseball. Last year he publicly fell again, not as far as he had in the past, but it just showed how powerful the flesh can be and how it is an ongoing battle for him… and for all of us. Plus I’ve included a new video testimony at the bottom.

Josh Hamilton, a professional baseball player for the Texas Rangers, is an amazing testimony of God’s power to redeem and change a life. You might have heard about Josh Hamilton recently because he put on an impressive show last week at the Home Run Derby, breaking the record by hitting 28 home runs in one round. You can watch all the impressive home runs by Josh Hamilton at MLB’s website here. He even hit three more than 500 feet! In addition to the Derby performance, Hamilton currently leads the Majors in RBIs.

Hamilton’s amazing performance is made all the more impressive when you find out that not too long ago, he was deep within the dark pit of drug addiction. He says that his last drug use was October 6, 2005.

Hamilton has a great testimony of how God brought him out of the mire of his sin. ESPN.com published part of his story and it made a deep impression on me. You see, Hamilton became a Christian when he was 18. Not long after that, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays drafted him number one overall and gave him a huge signing bonus. With all of this new-found personal glory, Hamilton began to idolize baseball and his own desires instead of worshiping Christ alone.

Everyone expected Hamilton to take off, and he did not disappoint. But not long after his career got going, he was in an auto accident that sidelined him for an extended period. Without his daily routine of going to the ball park, he now had a lot of time on his hands and plenty of money to spend. His idol was removed from his life, and he filled that void by becoming addicted to drugs. He would go on multi-week binges and was in and out of rehab programs with no lasting success.

God finally took him to the bottom where Hamilton could no longer depend on himself and had no choice but to turn back to God. Once he reached that point, God started working. Hamilton is where he is today totally because of God’s work in his life. God worked a miracle–a “God thing” as Hamilton describes it. Just ask Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry how incredible this is.

What most impresses me about Hamilton’s story isn’t as much where he’s been but where he is at right now spiritually. Hamilton doesn’t refer to himself as a drug addict in the past tense but in the current tense. He is completely capable of falling back into sin and the moment he stops denying himself will probably be the beginning of his downfall. Hamilton acknowledges this openly and admits to his weaknesses. He remains broken and fully dependent on Christ.

Christ made it clear that all of his followers must adopt the same attitude of brokenness. Mark 8:34 says:

Then Jesus called the crowd, along with his disciples, and said to them, “If anyone wants to become my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.”

Hamilton’s story makes me ask myself, “Am I really denying myself or am I living for myself?” “Do I take up my cross with Christ to go die to self or am I living for myself?” “Am I following Christ or am I living for myself?”

The Mark 8:34 life is a moment-by-moment denial of self and acceptance of Christ and the life he has for you. It is living in the truth of the Gospel. Colosians 2:6 says, “Therefore just as you first received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him.” But what exactly does that mean? It means that we continue to believe the truth of the Gospel by living it out. But what does it mean to live out the Gospel?

Here are some points on what it is not:

• Making something other than Christ the lord of your life.
• Thinking that your sin isn’t really that bad. “I certainly have never done anything as bad as Josh Hamilton!”
• Thinking that when you sin you can just work your way through it yourself. This means you figure out how you can manage it or you’ll just work harder next time.
• Thinking that you are pretty good on your own and don’t need cleaning or much cleaning.
• Thinking that you can depend on your own strengths, intellect, knowledge, talent, money, etc.

And here is what it means to “continue to live our lives in him”:

• Christ is the Lord of my whole life.
• I acknowledge that I cannot make myself good or on my own bring value to God.
• I acknowledge the truth of what sin is and that I cannot clean myself of it.
• I trust God to clean me of sin through Christ’s work alone on the cross.

When you deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Christ you are living as you first believed. Where I so frequently mess up is by not going to Christ for forgiveness but rather just resolving to work harder. Instead, I should simply go to him and say, “Lord, forgive me for that sin. You died for that sin and thank you for forgiving me. I need your strength to overcome.” If I don’t do that immediately, then later my prayer has to also include asking forgiveness for relying on my own strength rather than on Him.

Josh Hamilton’s story is an example to all of us of what happens when you make something else the lord of your life or think you can deal with sin on your own. Hamilton was not rescued until he “continued to live” his life in Christ.  Neither will we experience victory over sin in our own lives until we continue to daily take up our cross and humbly follow after Christ.

The last few weeks we’ve been looking at how we can be better husbands and one of the key verses is 1 Peter 3:7 which reads:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

That phrase of “understanding way” means to really pursue her with a desire to know her very well. What are her needs? What are her likes and dislikes? What is her personality? What are her strengths and weaknesses? What is her love language?

In terms of needs the study shared that there are four main areas of need that most women have:

1. Security. Feeling safe and protected financially and relationally. They feel safe with you.
2. Conversational companionship. Experiencing each other and life together. Talking and building relationship and sharing heart and feelings.
3. Significance. She is valued and important and esteemed. An equal “heir with you of the grace of life.”
4. Affection. Treasuring her with hugs (non-sexual), compliments, notes, saying “I love you.”

Ok, guys, here is an assignment for you… (This is the same assignment assigned to us in the Bible Study) … Set a date night with your wife and ask her about her needs. Do the above needs match her greatest needs? If not, what would she add? What is most important to her? And finally, ask her if there are ways that you could improve in meeting her biggest needs. If you do this kind of thing and do it regularly you are on your way to “living with your wife in an understanding way.”

One final thing, are you in a small group or discipleship relationship of some kind? If not you need to get yourself into one. God’s design is for his body to grow together and not in isolation. If you are serious about your personal sanctification then you are serious about the Body of Christ, the church.

Confronting the Influence of Darwin – Hank Hanegraaff — Can the twentieth century be understood fully outside of an understanding of Darwin’s theory of evolution?

Self-Control in a Wired World – Joshua Harris — Best line: “A little web surfing, a little Facebook, a little folding of the hands around the smart phone and spiritual poverty will come upon you like a robber.”

Five Ways to Feel Scripture – Jared Wilson — Number one is “Interpret before you apply”! That is huge. Too often we start with, “What does this passage mean to you?”

The Gospel, Anger, and Romans 13 – Jay Younts — This is a very challenging article for me personally. What are we most concerned about? What is our priority? Public policy activism is good but are we seeking to love ourselves through it or love God and love our neighbor through it?

Weighty Words [from C.S. Lewis] on the Meaning of a Husband’s Headship – John Piper — Best line: “No relationship is more clearly commanded to model the death of Christ. No relationship is more costly—in both senses of that word (painful and precious).”

Ian Charleson as Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire

I’m reading through The Man in the Mirror by Patrick Morley with another man in our church. It has been recommended to me many times over the years and I am so glad that I’m finally taking the time to read it. Fantastic book and I recommend it to all men.

Here is a short excerpt that I really liked. It hits the issue of contentment which is something many guys struggle with in our culture. Chariots of Fire is my favorite movie so it made me want to share it.

Chariots of Fire, the fact-based, Oscar-winning movie, depicts the quest of Harold Abrahams and Eric Liddell to win gold medals in the 1924 Olympics, a feat they both accomplished.

The difference between Abrahams and Liddell is transparent: Everything Abrahams did was for himself, while everything Liddell did was for the glory of God.

Eric’s sister Jennie mistook her brother’s love of running for rebellion against God, and pressed him to return to the mission field in China, where they both were born and their parents lived. One day his sister was upset because he had missed a mission meeting, so Eric decided to have a talk with her. They walked to a grassy spot overlooking the Scottish highlands.

Clutching her arms, trying to explain his calling to run, he said, “Jennie, Jennie. You’ve got to understand. I believe God made me for a purpose–for China. But He also made me fast!–and when I run, I feel His pleasure!”

That is in sharp contrast to a scene later in the movie, one hour before the final race of Harold Abrahams. While his trainer gave him a rubdown, he lamented to his best friend, “I’m twenty-four and I’ve never known contentment. I’m forever in pursuit, and I don’t even know what it is I’m chasing.”

Both men won a gold medal, but one won his medal for himself, while the other won his medal for God. Do you feel God’s pleasure in what you do or, like Abrahams, does contentment elude you?

At the end of the chapter Morley asks: “What is your ambition? Will it survive your physical death? Will it pass the Luke 14:33 test?” Luke 14:33: “In the same way therefore not one of you can be my disciple if he does not renounce all his own possessions.” That verse isn’t a command for a vow of poverty but it is serious challenge to who or what we serve. You can’t serve God and serve your own ambitions.

I hope this is something you can chew on and again, I encourage you to check out Morley’s book and consider going through it with a friend.

I know that the economic crisis has most people focused on money. But can you guess what the number one problem we see men struggling with year in year out?

If we take all the problems men face and put the marriage problem in one stack, and put all the other problems in another stack, guess what? The marriage problem alone is bigger than all the other problems combined.

Teach your men how to do something practical and spiritual about their marriages. Teach them to pray “The Marriage Prayer.” I’ve been praying this 68 word prayer for some time now. I don’t know if it has changed our marriage, but it has certainly changed me.

Here’s the prayer:

Father, I said, “Till death do us part.” I want to mean it. Help me love You more than her, and her more than anyone or anything else. Help me bring her into Your presence today. Make us one, like You are three-in-one. I want to hear her, cherish her and serve her-so she will love You more and we can bring You glory. Amen.

David Delk, Man in the Mirror’s President, and I have written a book of the same title that unpacks “The Marriage Prayer.” You can order Prayer Cards and learn more at www.themarriageprayer.com.

Yours for changed lives,

Patrick Morley, Ph.D.

Side note: “The Quest for Authentic Manhood” and getting together with other men has been a fantastic time and if you can work it into your schedule I encourage you to make a commitment to it. I hope to see you there!

Something that struck me this morning that I wanted to share are five things Lewis listed as being what every son wants and needs from his father. This aspect is just part of his larger point which I won’t share here but the points on fathering sons was excellent.

Got a son? Read on …

1. Time Together – Lewis said that “Memories are the markers of life.” Every boy wants that time where it is “just me and dad.” He wants to go out and throw the ball and pretend they are in the Super Bowl together or put together that model or just hang out and laugh. Proverbs 17:6 in part says that “the glory of sons is their fathers.”

2. Life Skills – Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Robert Lewis described “life skills” as the stuff we need to know to get by in life. It might be practical skills like how to change a flat tire, or the oil in your car, or how to tie a tie. Popular Mechanics pubished 100 Skills Every Man Should Know that might be a starting point for the practical stuff. But there are also emotional and spiritual life skills that need to be taught. For example we men generally have a hard time understanding our emotions and how to share from our heart. Sharing from your heart and understanding your emotions is an important life skill that fathers can help train and teach to their sons. Other life skills… How do I treat a woman? When is it appropriate to laugh and goof around or to be serious?

3. Direction with Solid “Why” Answers – Lewis described this as the philosophical stuff of life. “What is really important in life?” “What is life about?” “What is my ultimate purpose in life?” It could be described also as our convictions about higher truths. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 says “These words I am commanding you today must be kept in mind, and you must teach them to your children and speak of them as you sit in your house, as you walk along the road, as you lie down, and as you get up.”

4. Convictions Through Modeling – This is the influence of your words plus your convictions lived out in what you model in life. This point in equation form: Your Convictions + What you Say + Your Model in Action = Your Integrity. It is showing him through the model of how you actually live your life. The son knows the real father and not just the veneer or what he says. 1 Thessalonians 2:10-11 makes this point very well, “You are witnesses, and so is God, as to how holy and righteous and blameless our conduct was toward you who believe. As you know, we treated each one of you as a father treats his own children”

5. Dad’s Heart – Lewis said this is what sons need most of all from dad. It means that the son is loved and affirmed by his dad. He said there are three things every son wants to grow up and leave home with confidence having heard from dad: 1) I love you, 2) I’m proud of you, and 3) You are good at _____ [fill in the blank]. Lewis said even today as a grown man “I wish my dad would come out of the grave and tell me these things.” Jesus the Son recieved these things from God the Father. Check out Matthew 17:5 how God says all these things about Jesus: “While he was still speaking, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, ‘This is my one dear Son [I love you, son!], in whom I take great delight [I'm proud of you, son!]. Listen to him!’ [hey everyone, my son has something good to say!]“